I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
