i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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