Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
