What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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