Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
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definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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