someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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