i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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