I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
