just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just high enough for therapy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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