the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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