That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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