apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How's work?
Spinning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
