Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
