my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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