I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
