it was like having sex with a tree stump
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
