I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
