it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Holy shit dude........stairs
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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