Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
