My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
