Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
