I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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