I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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