I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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