ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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