I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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