I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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