I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
