Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
