Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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