Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
