Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
