So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
