Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
