I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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