toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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