hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
