just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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