I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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