he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
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Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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