So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
