Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
