I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
