the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
