I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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