i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
