someone owes me an orgasm
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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