You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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