im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
