She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
