Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
