My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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