Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
