I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
