I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
