ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
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Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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