i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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