My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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