you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
